*epic string overture starts*
ONCE EVERY GENERATION, A FANTASY SAGA IS RELEASED THAT DEFINES AN ERA
THIS... IS NOT THAT SAGA
*String music cuts out as fart sound effect plays*
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT
*Jack Black spawns at a bonfire*
"BONFIRE LIT BABYYY"
*Starts air guitaring*
GET READY TO SUMMON YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS FOR THE MOVIE EVENT OF THE SUMMER
*shot of JB fighting a horde is skeletons*
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT
Godfrey: "Bring me the Elden Ring!""
WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Timothy Chalamet: "They call him the Tarnished One..."
*Shot of Jack Black fumbling down some stairs"
"...emphasis on Tarnished"
With Tilda Swinton as Malenia
The Rock as Godfrey the Grafted
And Chris Pratt as the voice of the Elden Beast
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT
*rapid sequence of Jack Black fat rolling around frustrated bosses*
*Final cut shows him puffing and wheezing as Godrick lifts his staff to smack*
JB: WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT
Confused Godrick: "wait for what?"
*JB points up to his stamina bar replenished back to full*
"For that ya jabroni"
*Starts successfully dodge rolling Godrick again*
WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
JACK BLACK IS...
*music suddenly cuts out as a boss hits JB in the testicles*
*cut to closeup of his co op summons wincing*
Dave Bautista: "oof, right in the soapstones!"
music starts again
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT
...THE TARNISHED ONE. GET GUD, JULY 17
*final shot is Jack Black respawning at a bonfire, with a serious look on his face* "let's try that again