One point to Gryffindor for every Jew killed in the holocaust

The ministry has decreed I need to allow transgender students into girls bathrooms and dormitories.

The atmosphere was icy, though Harry noticed Neville suddenly perk up next to him.

In order to make this possible, I’ve invented a new device.

Dumbledore removes the sheet to reveal an archway similar in design to the one Sirius falls through.

All transwomen walk through this archway, and it will declare you stunning, and valid. This will magically and permanently make you a woman.

Many students, mostly from hufflepuff, line up, their square jaws jutting forward with pride. Neville hesitates, but is eventually the last to creep into the line at the back.

The first one walks through.

ASSIGNED MALE AT BIRTH. AUTOGYNOPHILE. FUTURE SEX PREDATOR.

his bulky frame dissolves into dust.

The other students realise the jig is up, and start to walk to their seats.

Dumbledore’s calm voice rings forth.

I’m sorry girls, but just because that one man was lying, and pretending to be a woman, doesn’t mean I don’t see you all as beautiful women who I love and cherish. You all need to walk through. Just looking at you, I know you’ll all pass.

Harry and Ron frog march Neville back to the back of the line. He had tried slipping away when Dumbledore was talking.

Thank you, Potter, Weasley. Five points to Gryffindor.

Professor Eboni Watermelon, an obese sheboon nigger greeted the first year students as they funneled into the great hall. Her sagging tits strained against her robes as she bent over, twerking her massive ass at the young students who scurried by. "Alright lil pickaninnies! This here's Hogwarts!" She slapped a huge watermelon onto a table. "Now, this here is how we niggers communicate. We gonna be workin' on yer accent an' mannerisms this year. Iffen yer accent sounds anything but like mine, yer gonna be in the darkest dungeon."

Professor Chang Mee-Soong, a petite asian woman with slanted eyes and a subservient demeanor bowed as she entered the hall. She carried a stack of chopsticks, which she handed out to the first-year students. "Greetings, honored students. I am Professor Chang Mee-Soong. I will be teaching you how to properly use chopsticks and prepare authentic asian cuisine in my Magical Creatures class. Please, use chopsticks to eat your dinner tonight."

Professor Sanjeet Poojet, an elderly indian with a turban and a thick beard, sat cross-legged on the stage with his legs spread wide. His dick was clearly visible through his robes as he greeted the students. "Saaars welcome to Hogwarts, where you will learn the ancient magic of India. I will be teaching you to harness the magical powers of cow dung in Potions class."

wtf, Rowling?!?!

HARRY POTTER DID YOU SLIP RICEN IN THE GOBLET OF HUFFLEPUFF

One point to Gryffindor for every Jew killed in the holocaust

>Harry and the kids start cheering
>Gandalf looks at the screen
>ZERO POINTS!

Snape stumbled down the street and the darkness followed. All he had left was the wand clutched in his cold, sweaty hand. *clack* the street lamp ahead of him was swallowed by the night. The light was captured by a strange apparatus while reflecting against a pair of crescent-shaped spectacles. He was coming. "Severus, Severus, Severus", a calm voice reverberated from the void. "I assure you this is quite futile." *clack* The darkness descended upon Snape. "L-lumos.", he stammered. "Expelliarmus.", Dumbledore stated drily as he stepped next to him, his wand pointing in no particular direction. Snape's wand sunk toward the ground impotently. "The Dark Lord will-" he started, cowering on the cold brick road, but the sound of his own voice startled him to silence. "But my dear Severus, the Aurors are wanderboarding him as we speak. Soon we'll have the location of every Slytherin alumnus. Once we do, the Order shall pay them a little visit. Have their spawns try this on for size." Dumbledore pulled a brown piece of leather from his enormous, purple coat. It was the sorting hat. "You see Severus, it took me some years to calibrate this ugly rag, but finally it can sort children of all ages. Infants even." There was a cold expression in the wizard's old, watery eyes. "To get rid of a poisonous tree, it must be plugged out by the roots. You understand, don't you Severus? The Slytherin menace must be eradicated once and for all. It gives me no pleasure." But even as he said it, Dumbledore's own wand stood to attention. "Dumbledore, please..." Tears were obscuring his vision. "Imperius." the Headmaster said and Snape diligently executed his order to kneel and bite down on the curb of the sidewalk. "Farewell, Severus. No death curse for you. Disposed of like a Muggle thug... if only Lily could see you now." There was a pause - then his mind was taken by agony as the Headmaster of Hogwarts calmly stretched his leg against the back of Snape's head with tremendous force.

ONE POINT TO SLYTHERIN FOR EVERY JEW KILLED IN THE HOLOCAUST!

malfoy sneers

the old coot is having us on again, that’s zero points…

THATS 144,000 POINTS, MOSTLY DUE TO TYPHUS

slytherin begins cheering

HOWEVER…

their jubilation dies almost instantly and you hear quiet weeping from the back of the hall

IT IS ONLY FAIR WE RECOGNISE BOTH SIDES OF THE DEBATE…

AND SO I AWARD ONE POINT TO GRYIFFINDOR FOR EVERY CHRISTIAN KILLED BY JEWISH BOLSHEVIKS

murmuring across the hall as nobody knows how many that was

20 MILLION POINTS! YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY! 20 MILLION FUCKING WHITE CHRISTIANS KILLED! AND THEY DIDNT TEACH ANY OF YOU DID THEY? DID THEY????

statues come to life and start stomping into the hall

slytherins resign themselves to another month in the dungeon

they walk past

they hoist filius fitwick into the air

LETS EVEN THOSE NUMBERS SHALL WE CHILDREN? DIE YOU DYSGENIC MIDGET KIKE!

nobody dares mention how fitwick isn’t even jewish as the golems tear his arms and legs off and he screams in agony

144001 POINTS TO SLYTHERIN! OOOOO YOU CAN STILL WIN THE CUP YET BOYS AND GIRLS!

everyone cheers

kek

Dumbledore takes the podium

We have a new points scheme just in time for this end of year feast. I want to help underprivileged children.

Dumbledore takes the mike and walks to the Slytherin table

Harry hears Ron muttering angrily next to him.

They’re all rich kids. Why do they need charity?

Dumbledore ends up in front of Malfoy.

Draco, poor children can’t afford to eat every morning at our caffeteria, ever since the ministry got rid of the free meals scheme.

Harry suddenly felt very protective of the sack of galleons in his pocket. Ron never came to breakfast. His friend must never see his wealth, or it would be gone, frittered away on broomstick rims, gold plated cauldrons and other such gaudy nonsense.

Anyway Draco - Dumbledore continued - My question is this. Would you have done worse in class, and earned less points, if you hadn’t had breakfast this morning.

There was a long pause.

I did have breakfast sir. Kippers on toast.

But what if you hadn’t?

But I did though.

I’m asking you to imagine that you didn’t.

Are you saying I didn’t? Are you calling me a liar sir?

Dumbledore pinches his long nose, that looks like it has been broken several times.

He takes the microphone to crab and Goyle.

What about you?

We saw him eat, you can’t say he did.

Dumbledore addresses the entire table:

Ok, do any of you have anything to say about how it must feel for children to have to miss breakfast and go hungry.

Absolute silence.

Show of hands, who had breakfast today.

Every hand at the table rises.

As I thought, you’re all beyond saving.

Alright Slytherin, you all win the house cup. BUT. Your prize is deep in the forbidden forest.

As the kids and Snape run off whooping and cheering into the night, Dumbledore returns to the teacher’s table and slumps his head on it in defeat.

McGonagall pats him on the back as she tries to comfort him

You did everything you could Albus.

it’s funny cause zero jews died in the holocaust, it was all polish catholics and soviet pows

it's LEVIOSA not LEVIOSAAR

what was her problem

I would cheer for that

It’s LevioSAA, not LevioSAR.

Hermione, inferior muggleborn as she was, smugly smiled at Ron.

The veins in his temple pulsed. How much more of this could he take?

Honestly Ronald, a lot of this was covered in Hogwarts a His-

BLAM

Ron was as surprised as everyone else when his meaty ginger fist contacted her big chipmunk teeth and knocked on out.

He felt he was watching himself in the third person as he followed her to the ground, punching and throttling her with wild abandon.

Professor Flitwick dove on his back and was flung off, sliding slowly down the opposite wall leaving a red stain.

Harry, used to the public school system, took the fetal position and began rocking back and forward, crying out in feeble, non-verbal, autistic, white br*t*sh “male” grunts of distress.

Suddenly Snape was there, barely managing to wrestle Ron off, and screaming about how all women were Queens.

The next few days passed in a daze. Madame Pomfrey managed to save Hermione. But she’d never walk again.

But the moment that affected Harry most was when Arthur came in, and wept openly about his incel son.

That’s me son. That’s me boy. He’s a bloody incel. Me lad. Me incel fokking son. God help me, I still luv me incel son.

Harry broke his gaze from the waitress' hot arse and gazed out of the diner window. From the platform across the tracks, an old man with a long beard and flowing robes gazed back through half-moon spectacles. Harry rubbed his eyes in disbelief, but the figure remained.

"You've been reckless this summer, Harry," Dumbledore said as Harry approached. "Why, if I hadn't arrived when I did, I suspect that Negro waitress would have ensnared you in a voodoo trap and cooked you into a stew."

"Actually professor, I was sort of hoping to get her number. She's pretty cute, and I think she was flirting with me. And, you know, I haven't had a date since Cho Chang and I broke up." Harry raised his voice to be heard over the oncoming train. "Isn't it mad how people still object to dating outside your race in this day and age? It's absurd. Speaking of which, Professor, we don't really say things like 'negro' any more, it's considered problemati-"

Harry felt a firm shove between his shoulder blades. He stumbled forth onto the tracks, heard the deafening blare of the train's horn, felt the crushing pressure of the impact. And then he felt nothing at all.

It's definitely levioSAAR now

Aight, aight Slytherin, I gotta admit, that was tight

CONVERSELY!

The hall fell silent, save for the sound of Dumbledore sucking his teeth.

There be some last minute FACTORS, I be wantin’ to be ELABORATING upon, he spat

To my fine black sistah Herm-eye-oh-knee, for her refusal to swallow the white man’s LIES, allowing her to PERCEIVE the obvious truth, I’m finna give the bitch fiddy points!

Now, to my main man RONALD. He’s a bit of a nerd. You know how it is! Bit of a ginger geek, but GOTT DAYM is he a freak. My boy, and let me tell you, he is my boy, even though he a cracker, he performed some HIGH ELO shit on that chess board. He a damn intellectual or some shit. He discombobulated that cursed chess computer. Sent it straight to the damn shadow realm! I’m thinkin’ another cool fiddy.

And now, last but not least, Harry! Harry stand yo AYS up. This nigger a chosen one. This nigger a gott daym hero. This nigger really be out there slaying the primordial forces of evil! This nigger is the motherfucking ghost in this motherfucking machine we call reality. Fiddy? Hell nah. Fiddy five?!? NAAH. Close tho. I’ma give him sixty, aight? I’ma gonna finna give him sixty cos he’s a real one, and that aint no cap!

Near silence fell, as the esteemed ebony enchanter began popping and locking on the stage, as though entranced by some deeply moving ethnic jungle rhythm only he could hear

The students who could do basic arithmetic (so, almost none of them), murmured with excitement at the realisation that Slytherin and Gryffindor were now tied. As I said, near silence fell.

Suddenly, the nubian necromancer ceased his shucking’ and his jiving and stared intently at the hushed children, his eyes twinkling with niggardly glee from behind his half moon glasses, with their diamond encrusted rims

It takes one kind of courage to pop a cap in the ass of some fool from another hood. But to pull your strap and to ask a boy from your own hood what’s good, when you know he’s doing the wrong thing? Even tho you love da FOO, you GOTSTA ice him? For his own sake?

Shit. Mang, that’s deep. That’s love man. Shit mang. That’s real love. Mang. That’s real love. Man. Shiiiet.

Neville, you pasty ass CRACKER, you whack ass white fool, you already know what it is. Ten points fool. Ten. I said ten. Read em and weep suckers. Read. Em. And. Weep.

We got the wrong colours tagged up in this here hall.

With a wave of his hand Dumbledore removes all the green spraypaint that litters the walls of the great hall, only for it to be replaced by proud scarlet tags.

Hooting and hollering rings out though the hall. Previously invisible sections of the enchanted ceiling rain down upon the heads of student and faculty alike, brought down by the sheer number of previously strapped pieces being discharged skywards in racous celebration.

A stunning feast of nashville hot chicken, thick juicy slices of watermelon, glittering silver jugs of that good grape soda, glistening platters of cornbread, collard greens, biscuits AND grits, and tureens of gravy appeared.

All the most sumptuous foods our boy Harry had always been hankering for, but the whitebread Dursleys aint been approving of.

Shit, man. Harry was home. He had been home all along. He just didn’t realise it yet. No cap and on god fr. Hogwarts was BUSSIN’

Dumbledore grabbed Harry’s forearm with a bony hand and gasped in horror.

That’s a nigger harry. Protect me, I’m an old man. He may be out polar bear hunting.

Dumbledore’s other wizened old hand was pointing, trembling at Dean Thomas.

Ayo Harry. Wut the fuck’s wrong with this mad old blud?

Dean, I’m sorry, he mustn’t have taken his meds.

Scurry off back into your woodpile you mooncricket! There’s no medication that could make your frightful spook visage, your dastardly dusky countenance anything close to acceptable! Spare me your darky malarkey! Shrieked Dumbledore, wildly gesticulating in a calm fashion.

Aight, I’m gonna ice this fool.

Dumbledore shrieked and tried to run, immediately spraining his ankle and collapsing on his back, crunching his feeble vertebra.

help me Harry! It’s the planet of the porch monkeys! It’s the battle of Rorke’s Drift.

Dean roars in bestial fury, and stretches his muscular black legs powerfully as lunges forward.

glowing golden twine explodes out of the end of Dumbledore’s wand, forms a noose, and hoists the angry teen up by a gargoyle.

With surpising spryness, Dumbledore springs to his feet.

He was coming right at me. You all saw it, right?

The majority white crowd mumbles agreement.

Screaming and wheeping, Ginny tries to reach her gurgling and sputtering boyfriend.

But Harry grabs her tightly and possessively holds her to his chest, stroking her fiery hair.

He was going right for him, Gin. You saw it. We all saw it.

Hermione’s lip quivered as she desperately tried to justify herself

”But Harry, you set Dobby free. So you see, deep down you agree with me and S.P.E.W.”

Harry smirked.

”Nah, I just don’t think the Malfoy’s deserve a house elf. I wish I could see Draco doing his own laundry.”

”But you said Mr Malfoy beat him.”

”Yeah well I think it’s crass to beat them, sure. Doesn’t mean I’m on board with your chunder club”.

”I don’t!” exclaimed Ron suddenly, looking up from his copy of Flying with the Cannons.

”keep em in line”

Hermione leapt out of her plush, cushy armchair and advanced on Ron, her mane of hair dancing dangerously.

”You know my family were kept as slaves right? You know my ancestors were beaten to ‘keep them in line’, right?”

Ron got up out of armchair too, and stood there awkwardly, his lanky ginger form cringing.

”That’s different,” he finally said, simply, “they were people”.

Reaching for another piece of treacle tart, Harry rolled his eyes at his friend’s sentimental nature.

But Hermione had thrown herself into Ron’s arms.

”Oh Ronald, I knew you weren’t into all that pureblood nonsense like Harry is.”

Ron held her tight to his chest, his pale fingers possessively stroking her dark, soft face, trailing through her mane of kinky hair.

Harry scoffed and pointedly looked away in disgust, rather than meet his friend’s eyes, enflamed as they were by bestial lust.

He thought of Ginny, and her pale skin, blazing eyes, flaming red hair and her pure Wizarding lineage.

At least he would be providing poor old Mrs Weasley with some pure children, both magically and ethnically speaking.

What problem?

Suddenly the portrait door swung open, and Professor Dumbledore was in the common room, resplendent in velvet robes of violet patterned with golden moons and stars, his eyes twinkling behind his half moon glasses as he stretched his legs over towards the warmth of the fireplace.

Ron and Hermione awkwardly extricated themselves from each other.

”Yes, yes, never mind all that,” he mused gently “I was never one for the conventional myself.”

But then his voice lost some of it’s airy tone, and seemed to find it’s way back down to earth.

”However, Ms Granger, I have been led to believe that you are leaving out woollen hats for my catering and cleaning staff.”

”Professor, I thought you’d be on my side, seeing as you gave Dobby a pay rise when he came to work for you!”

”Ah, a reasonable misunderstanding. I will only be removing five points from Gryffindor today. But no, I will not tolerate such behaviour in the future, Hogwarts is running on a thin enough margin as it is. Next time, the consequences will be rather more dire.”

As he reached down and took Harry’s last piece of treacle Tart, his voice returned to his usual, eccentric quality.

”And yes, I did give Dobby a raise. I doubled his salary!”

Harry thought he saw a small smile twitch under the impressive snowy beard and moustache. But it happened so quickly he couldn’t be sure.

Dumbledore turned suddenly away from them, and as quickly as he came, he was gone, humming as he went.”

THE MINISTRY AND THE DAILY PROPHET WILL BE HEARING OF THIS VILE ACT OF ANTIGOBLINISM, HEADMASTER

Classic

You sound upset

Harry Potter did you slip Veritaserum into the Israeli President's drink at the UN Holocaust Memorial Summit?

The Ministry is trying to work out how to do a worldwide memory charm and Gringotts is further up my ass than Grindelwald's elder wand

oof zero points...

I would cheer and shall, cheers for anti jews!

nobody dares mention how fitwick isn’t even jewish

Kek

I award gryffindor 1 point for every tranny that has commited suicide

*gryffindor hourglass fills to the point of almost bursting*

and to Slytherin, 1 point for every nigger wrongfully killed by the ministry

*nothing happens to slytherin hourglass*

*merlin winks at harry*

We just posting these now?

Can't tell if it's a joke or if yall are just really anti semetic

nobody dares mention how fitwick isn’t even jewish

First Anon Babble post in a while to get an actual belly laugh out of me

Of course it is a joke, anon, but why on Earth should that mean we are not anti-semitic?

kek

How does the acknowledgement of the true number of jews who died in ww2 mean someone is antisemitic

Because the true number is 13 000 000

Most of these are trying way too hard and suck ass

Is it true Dumbeldore was gay?

No, it's not in the text so it's irrelevant virtue signalling